Why Speaking Well of Your Spouse Is So Important
As a leader, the health of your marriage directly affects the impact of your leadership. I have witnessed this time and time again. Being
effective at work or in ministry begins by being effective at home.
Early in our marriage, Gail and I attended a church led by a dynamic,
thirty-something pastor. He was an extraordinary communicator. He was a
wise and empathetic counselor. As a result, the church grew rapidly.
But as we got better acquainted with him and his wife, we started
noticing a disturbing trend in the way they related to one another. They
would often make disparaging remarks about the other in public.
At first, it seemed cute. Their comments seemed playful and humorous.
Everyone laughed. But over time, they became more and more pointed,
thinly masking their frustration with one another.
We ultimately left that church. But several years later we learned
they suffered an ugly divorce, both admitting to multiple affairs. They
lost their family, and, of course, their ministry. To this day, it
grieves me to think about it.
Conversely, I noticed that Sam Moore, my predecessor at Thomas
Nelson, always spoke highly of his wife. He would often say, “I hate to
leave her in the morning, and I can’t wait to see her in the evening.”
They have been married now for nearly 60 years. Last time Gail and I
were with them, they were holding hands. It was obvious they were still
in love.
In reflecting on these two experiences, I am convinced that praising
your spouse in public is one of the most important investments you can
make—in your family and in your leadership.
This is important for at least five reasons:
- You get more of what you affirm. Have you ever
noticed that when someone praises you, you want to repeat the behavior
that caused it? This is just human nature. It can be a form of
manipulation if it isn’t genuine. But it can be a powerful way to
motivate others when it is authentic.
- Affirmation shifts your attitude toward your spouse.
Words are powerful tools. They can create, or they can destroy. They
can build up, or they can tear down. I believe most people have a drive
to align their actions—and their attitudes—with their words. If you
start speaking well of someone, you start believing what you say.
- Affirmation helps strengthen your spouse’s best qualities.
Encouragement is also a powerful force for good. All of us need
positive reinforcement. This is why when we are losing weight and people
notice, it gives us the strength to stick with the program. This is
true in every area of life.
- Affirmation wards off the temptation of adultery.
When others see you are happily married, they are less likely to
proposition you. It’s like a hedge that protects your marriage from
would-be predators. You simply stop being a target.
- Affirmation provides a model to those you lead. To
be a truly effective leader, you must lead yourself, and then you must
lead your family. Your marriage is a powerful visual of how you treat
the people you value the most. When you speak highly of your spouse, your followers
are more likely to trust you. It takes your leadership to another level.
Affirming your spouse in public is an investment that pays big leadership dividends. In a world where fewer and fewer marriages last, it can be a difference-maker.
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There are 1/2 inch x 4 inch dowel rods going from the bottom of her bed
frame legs into the top of the frame we built. The bed is connected to
the frame the exact same way it was connected to the lower bunk when
they were bunked. 
